To Forgive AND Forget?

I am curious Doug. I read somewhere on your blog that you have grieved your losses fully.

My questions...

• When I make a choice to forgive someone for a wrong they've done to me why is it that I am still very distressed when I see them?
• Why is it that I vacillate between feelings of outrage and feelings of compassion? I tell myself things like they really didn't want to do it, that they are too afraid to be authentic and real, to expose themselves.
• For that matter, what is fully grieved?

This is a wrong that deeply, deeply hurt me, impacted my personal safety, and turned my life upside down. I wonder if I have not fully grieved the loss and damage they caused.

Help!

Troubled in Toledo

Dear Troubled in Toledo,

First of all, I'm so sorry that you exprienced this. It sounds horrible! :(

Although I don't know the particular injustice that you experienced, I think you are confusing several things together, which is easy to do when you have been traumatized. Healing, forgiveness, reconciliation, emotions, grief, and boundaries are difficult to sort out sometimes.

Let's start with forgiveness. What a confusing subject!! A couple of things I think it is not are:

• It is not believing of saying it was "OK." If it were ok, forgiveness would not be needed.
• It is not liking the person.
• It is not having warm fuzzies about the person.
• It is not wanting to be close to the person.
• It is not forgetting that it ever happened.
• It is not feeling no "hurt" by the damage.

So, what is it?? I think the best analogy is that of debt. When you forgive someone of a debt, you don't keep looking to get repaid. It's cancelled. They don't owe you anything anymore. You don't send them to collections. You let it go. They're free. And so are you. The account is settled.

Another way I think about it is "letting go of the desire for revenge." To cause harm to them equal (or greater) than the harm done to you. That would be just. That would balance the scales. That woudl even the score. But that would't be forgiveness. Forgiveness is not holding a grudge.

Boundaries. Boundaries are what we do to protect ourself from harm. Just because you have forgiven someone doesn't mean you might not need boundaries to protect yourself from further harm. Yes, you forgave them for what they did in the past. But if they are not a safe person you would do well to learn from the past and not put yourself needlessly in the way of harm. Learning to discern whether someone is safe or not is a very important skill to learn. If you have grown up in an abusive family, you probably have no idea how to do that.

Reconciliation. Forgiveness is something you can choose to do all on your own. Reconciliation, however, depends on what the other person does as well. Reconciliation has to do with opening up your heart to the person again, letting them into your inner circle again. Again, how safe they are is critical. But also, how invested in the relationship with you are they? Have they demonstrated sincere repentance, with more than just words? Have they been grateful for your forgiveness? Have they been sensitive to your need for healing, and boundaries? If so, it may be wise to slowly approach a relationship with them again. People who work through that process usually end up being closer to each other than they were before the injury. The cast or splint may be stronger than the bone, so to speak.

Emotions. This is the trickiest part of it all! Emotions can be all over the map, regardless of what stage you are at in the whole process. Anger, hurt, depression, fear, rationalization, pity, anxiety, hate, minimizing, physical pain, and more are all normal and typical reactions to severe injury. They're ok. They have a point. But they are not THE point. Let them come and go. Talk about them. Feel them. But don't let them control what you DO. Keep doing the things mentioned above... Forgive, discern, set good boundaries, be open to reconciliation if appropriate. Do the right things, and let the feelings be what they will be. I often say, "If you got hit by a drunk driver and were laid up in the hospital, you could choose to forgive the driver, but you might still have lots of pain, and lots of emotions.

Triggers. When you are around the person who caused you the harm it may be very normal for you to feel fear. Even if they are now a safe person! Sometimes our emotions get triggered by a person or a situation that reminds us of the harm. Usually you can talk yourself through it, pray, come back to sanity.

PTSD: Depending on the type of harm that was done to you, how long it lasted, how sensitive you were, etc., you may have post traumatic stress disorder. If the level of harm is this deep you will struggle with difficult and painful and irrational emotions at unpredictable times. These will seem intrusive, unwanted, aggravating. You may experience "panic attacks." Generally, just talking about it, or trying to think logically, is not going to work. You may need some deep treatment, such as theophostic healing prayer, or EMDR (a psychological treatment using rapid eye movement). This is a very difficult and stubborn condition. If you have it, give yourself some grace, and don't beat yourself up for not "recovering" quickly. That will just make it worse.

Grief: Fully feeling the pain of the loss or harm helps you get through it to the other side. Most of us cut our grief process short, because it hurts too much. But if we bury it, we bury it alive, and it will come back to haunt us. I use a couple of analogies. One is a pool. You've got to dive deep into the pool, go all the way and touch bottom, and come up and go to the other side. Some people never touch bottom. Some people never go to the other side. You've got to do both. Another concept is the "three bottle theory." When you are hurt, God gives you a bottle, a friend a bottle, and he keeps a bottle. When all three bottles are filled up with our tears, we will have adequately grieved and healed, and will be able to move on confidently. Our society is way too skiddish about crying. "Bottling up" your tears helps no one.

I hope that helps sort out what sounds like a confusing situation!

Peace to you.

Coach Doug

Relevant Links

• Book: Safe People http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-those/dp/0310210844/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203393889&sr=8-1
• Book: Forgiving the Unforgiveable http://www.amazon.com/Forgiving-Unforgivable-David-Stoop/dp/0830737235/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203393937&sr=1-1
• Book: Boundaries http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310247454/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203394096&sr=1-1