Be Transformered by the renewing of your Movie

Dear Coach Doug,

My husband & I are both Christians but differ in our opinions when it comes to movies. He really wants to see Transformers but I don't. There is really not much else to see.

I have 2 issues regarding this film. 1st, I don't like the thought of my husband viewing other women's body parts & 2nd, it's not family friendly and we will be taking our 14 yr. old boy to see it.

On one hand I want to let my husband see what he wants (I know I can't control him & shouldn't try). He is about to deploy overseas soon. I'm really sick of all the filth in movies nowadays and it really is hard to even enjoy most of the films. Even though my husband tells me otherwise, I can't help but feel that he likes looking at those women & could be comparing me to them.

Please don't be harsh on me in your response. I was abused in every form as a child. I really wish that I could go to a movie without this stuff bothering me. I am seeking good Godly counsel. I have a therapist that I have been seeing on a regular basis and I like her. I just happen to be out of State & needed some answers & prayer concerning this. I really hope to hear from you today. God bless.

Sincerely,

Torn in Tallahassee


Dear Torn,

I hope your out of state experience is being a good one for you!

I'm sorry to hear you were so abused. I know you must have to guess at what "normal" is.

Well, this issue is certainly one of those "gray" areas that Paul addresses when he talks about "eating meat sacrificed to idols." Let me give you a few thoughts, based on what I know so far.

• If YOU don't want to go, you don't have to. And if it violates your conscience, you probably shouldn't.
• If your husband wants to go, you're right, you can't control him. He has to be free to make his own decisions. However, you can certainly express to him your concerns, and how it makes YOU feel when he goes to these type of movies. That is just good communication. (Beyond that we'd have to get in to a big "boundaries" discussion, which would really need a phone conversation.)
• If your husband tells you that he isn't lusting over those women, or comparing you and them, you should trust him, unless you have good reason not to. I'm thinking that maybe your abuse has made you over-sensitive in this area? Not sure.
• If you don't think it's good for your 14 year old to see this film then you can be firm in your conviction about that and not participate in "helping" it happen.
• If you are going to fight your husband on this, do not put your kid in the middle. He should not be aware that his dad is pushing for him to go and his mom is pushing for him not to go. If you can't convince your husband not to take him, I wouldn't step in the middle, as hard as that may be. If he was taking him to go drinking and to a strip joint I would advise differently!!

Hope that helps. Safe travels!

Coach Doug

Dear Coach Doug,

Thanks so much for your response. I appreciate it. Could you give me the scripture reference that you were referring to? Any other scripture references that you feel will be helpful would be greatly appreciated as well.

Again this issue is really hurting and eating at me. I can forget about it for awhile but once the movie topic comes up it starts all over again.

I have tried to discuss it with my husband but it gives him the impression that I don't trust him and I am afraid to keep discussing it because I feel like it will only make matters worse. If he feels like I'm accusing him of liking what he sees, etc... then why not?

This really hadn't been an issue for me until about 3 yrs ago when he came back from a deployment. He confessed to me about something. He said that pornography was really prevalent there. Every time he turned around one of the guys had porn on hand. He did his best to avoid it, in fact he would throw the garbage away. He said a couple of times it got the best of him & so he looked. I know that him telling me was great and getting rid of what was around was great. I know that there are many other wives who have it so much worse than that. I know that I internalized it as failure on my part and I still continue to internalize it as not being good, beautiful, or sexy enough. Sorry about the word but that's how I feel.

Thanks again for being there. I am crying as I work through the feelings and try to articulate exactly what is going on within me. I love my husband deeply and I really don't want this to cause friction between us. He really wants to watch a movie with me tonight and there is really nothing descent playing except for Gforce (which my son wants to see but my husband doesn't).

Oftentimes, my husband does back away from what he wants to do to keep the peace. I want to be fair and do the same for him. I just wish he would turn his head as soon as he sees the sexual imagery because oftentimes it is prolonged on the screen. When he doesn't that bothers me even more.

I have about 5 more days here then I return home without him. I might get to see him one more time before he deploys but I'm not sure. I really want to make the most of our time together.

Thanks again & God bless,

Torn in Tallahassee

Dear Torn,

The Scriptures I was refering to are:

• Romans 14:1-23 "The weak and the strong"
• 1 Corinthians 8:1-13 "Food sacrificed to idols"
• 1 Corintians 10:23-30 "The believer's freedom"

I would be happy to continue this conversation by phone, at a time that's convenient for you.

Peace,

Coach Doug

To Forgive AND Forget?

I am curious Doug. I read somewhere on your blog that you have grieved your losses fully.

My questions...

• When I make a choice to forgive someone for a wrong they've done to me why is it that I am still very distressed when I see them?
• Why is it that I vacillate between feelings of outrage and feelings of compassion? I tell myself things like they really didn't want to do it, that they are too afraid to be authentic and real, to expose themselves.
• For that matter, what is fully grieved?

This is a wrong that deeply, deeply hurt me, impacted my personal safety, and turned my life upside down. I wonder if I have not fully grieved the loss and damage they caused.

Help!

Troubled in Toledo

Dear Troubled in Toledo,

First of all, I'm so sorry that you exprienced this. It sounds horrible! :(

Although I don't know the particular injustice that you experienced, I think you are confusing several things together, which is easy to do when you have been traumatized. Healing, forgiveness, reconciliation, emotions, grief, and boundaries are difficult to sort out sometimes.

Let's start with forgiveness. What a confusing subject!! A couple of things I think it is not are:

• It is not believing of saying it was "OK." If it were ok, forgiveness would not be needed.
• It is not liking the person.
• It is not having warm fuzzies about the person.
• It is not wanting to be close to the person.
• It is not forgetting that it ever happened.
• It is not feeling no "hurt" by the damage.

So, what is it?? I think the best analogy is that of debt. When you forgive someone of a debt, you don't keep looking to get repaid. It's cancelled. They don't owe you anything anymore. You don't send them to collections. You let it go. They're free. And so are you. The account is settled.

Another way I think about it is "letting go of the desire for revenge." To cause harm to them equal (or greater) than the harm done to you. That would be just. That would balance the scales. That woudl even the score. But that would't be forgiveness. Forgiveness is not holding a grudge.

Boundaries. Boundaries are what we do to protect ourself from harm. Just because you have forgiven someone doesn't mean you might not need boundaries to protect yourself from further harm. Yes, you forgave them for what they did in the past. But if they are not a safe person you would do well to learn from the past and not put yourself needlessly in the way of harm. Learning to discern whether someone is safe or not is a very important skill to learn. If you have grown up in an abusive family, you probably have no idea how to do that.

Reconciliation. Forgiveness is something you can choose to do all on your own. Reconciliation, however, depends on what the other person does as well. Reconciliation has to do with opening up your heart to the person again, letting them into your inner circle again. Again, how safe they are is critical. But also, how invested in the relationship with you are they? Have they demonstrated sincere repentance, with more than just words? Have they been grateful for your forgiveness? Have they been sensitive to your need for healing, and boundaries? If so, it may be wise to slowly approach a relationship with them again. People who work through that process usually end up being closer to each other than they were before the injury. The cast or splint may be stronger than the bone, so to speak.

Emotions. This is the trickiest part of it all! Emotions can be all over the map, regardless of what stage you are at in the whole process. Anger, hurt, depression, fear, rationalization, pity, anxiety, hate, minimizing, physical pain, and more are all normal and typical reactions to severe injury. They're ok. They have a point. But they are not THE point. Let them come and go. Talk about them. Feel them. But don't let them control what you DO. Keep doing the things mentioned above... Forgive, discern, set good boundaries, be open to reconciliation if appropriate. Do the right things, and let the feelings be what they will be. I often say, "If you got hit by a drunk driver and were laid up in the hospital, you could choose to forgive the driver, but you might still have lots of pain, and lots of emotions.

Triggers. When you are around the person who caused you the harm it may be very normal for you to feel fear. Even if they are now a safe person! Sometimes our emotions get triggered by a person or a situation that reminds us of the harm. Usually you can talk yourself through it, pray, come back to sanity.

PTSD: Depending on the type of harm that was done to you, how long it lasted, how sensitive you were, etc., you may have post traumatic stress disorder. If the level of harm is this deep you will struggle with difficult and painful and irrational emotions at unpredictable times. These will seem intrusive, unwanted, aggravating. You may experience "panic attacks." Generally, just talking about it, or trying to think logically, is not going to work. You may need some deep treatment, such as theophostic healing prayer, or EMDR (a psychological treatment using rapid eye movement). This is a very difficult and stubborn condition. If you have it, give yourself some grace, and don't beat yourself up for not "recovering" quickly. That will just make it worse.

Grief: Fully feeling the pain of the loss or harm helps you get through it to the other side. Most of us cut our grief process short, because it hurts too much. But if we bury it, we bury it alive, and it will come back to haunt us. I use a couple of analogies. One is a pool. You've got to dive deep into the pool, go all the way and touch bottom, and come up and go to the other side. Some people never touch bottom. Some people never go to the other side. You've got to do both. Another concept is the "three bottle theory." When you are hurt, God gives you a bottle, a friend a bottle, and he keeps a bottle. When all three bottles are filled up with our tears, we will have adequately grieved and healed, and will be able to move on confidently. Our society is way too skiddish about crying. "Bottling up" your tears helps no one.

I hope that helps sort out what sounds like a confusing situation!

Peace to you.

Coach Doug

Relevant Links

• Book: Safe People http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-those/dp/0310210844/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203393889&sr=8-1
• Book: Forgiving the Unforgiveable http://www.amazon.com/Forgiving-Unforgivable-David-Stoop/dp/0830737235/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203393937&sr=1-1
• Book: Boundaries http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310247454/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203394096&sr=1-1

Too much Recovery Talk!

Dear Coach Doug,

Hey, I'm dating! I have no clue what I'm doing, more tense than relaxed, and scared... really, really scared. I have known him for quite a while. He's divorced and has kids.

The thing is he talks constantly about his recovery... his meetings, his devotional, his kids, etc. I listen, and I share some of myself. But it feels like something is missing.

If you were dating would always be talking about your recovery stories? Don't get me wrong, I think it's great he is doing all this stuff. We were always friend and would speak to each other from time to time about our lives and struggles. He knows most of my history. He loves New Life.

Is something wrong with me that this bothers me? And how do I communicate this to him without causing misunderstanding? I know I'm ready to date him, but I need to get to know him on a different level now. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Confused in Cleveland

Dear Confused in Cleveland,

There's no right or wrong about how much someone talks about recovery! The relevant question, however, is... is it too much for you?

Also, if you feel like something is missing in the relationship, what is it?? It's important to identify it. Is it romance? touch? laughing and fun? etc. Once identified, tell him that you would like more of "that" in your relationship, and see how he responds. Better to tell him what you would like more of, instead of telling him that you want him to talk "less about recovery."

Also, the possibility exists that he is being overly polite and cautious, in order to make sure he doesn't scare you off with too much premature "love talk."

Sounds like you have a lot going for the two of you. Best work out the bugs now before it gets more serious!

Peace,

Coach Doug